Happy Intervention!
by GIRL IN STORY
Summary: Captain America has been "accidentally" causing collateral property damage because he doesn't like the changes they've made to New York City. The Avengers hold an intervention.


"Okay." Tony handed Steve a bottle. "This is an intervention. Have some beer."

"An intervention?" Steve frowned. Sam had made him watch a few episodes of _Intervention_ before he tapped out. Interventions had existed in the 20s, but they hadn't been considered entertainment.

"I know, I know, the idea of me holding any kind of intervention is laughable, but don't stop me. I'm on a roll. Clint let me bum one."

It obviously wasn't an intervention for alcohol or drugs. Steve wasn't addicted to videogames, or laxatives, or shopping. He didn't eat surgical instruments, or hoard cats, or gamble with anything other than his life. The only person he stalked was Bucky, and Bucky didn't seem to mind now that he'd finished "going _Old Boy_ on Hydra" as Tony put it.

Bucky took out the last Hydra base in his mostly-intact memory, and immediately turned himself in to SHIELD. Steve had to use every weapon in his arsenal to keep Bucky out of custody pending trial. Forget the shield (although at one point he did muscle it around in a futile attempt to intimate Fury.) He used his Disappointed Captain America™ face so much that Clint said it would freeze like that. Steve couldn't remember the last time he'd smiled, and despite Tony's jokes, it was not because he suffered from Alzheimer's.

"Ground Control to Major Steve." Tony waved a gloved hand in front of Steve's face. He'd shown up in full uniform, which Steve found both ridiculous and a little flattering. If Tony was trying to butter him up, the intervention must have been serious. It was hard to tell. Clint was eating popcorn.

Steve had thought it was a joke at first. After all, someone had elected Tony as spokesperson. (Probably Tony.)

Someone had also made a cake. (Probably not Tony.) It said, "Happy Intervention!" or at least, he assumed it was supposed to. Whoever had made the cake had run out of room, so it just said, "Happy Interventi." And now Steve wanted a Frappuccino.

Maybe that was why they were holding an intervention. Steve did drink a lot of Starbucks.

Especially when they made a Captain America Frappuccino. It had a cream base, raspberry syrup and the sour blue syrup from the Unicorn Frappuccino of 2016. It tasted like spoiled milk. Steve drank thirty-six. (It was only available for a week.)

Steve sighed. "Is this about the Captain America Frappuccino?"

"No," said Tony. "But that's a good idea."

"What is this about, Tony?"

"It's about how much we care about you."

"No, I mean-"

"And how you're deliberately causing collateral property damage to buildings you don't like."

Steve frowned.

"Don't look at me like that," said Tony, but Steve couldn't help it. That was just his face these days.

"I'm not doing that."

"Yes, you are," said Natasha. "We've made a list."

Tony pulled out his Starkphone (although Steve wasn't sure what he pulled it out of). "Buildings that have _not_ been destroyed during battles: Grand Central Station, the Empire State Building, C.O. Bigelow's, Nathan's Hot Dogs, the Cyclone, although that one was touch and go for a minute."

Bucky started laughing. Steve didn't smile, but he did feel his Disappointed Captain America™ face soften a little. He wasn't disappointed in Bucky, even if he didn't understand why Bucky had to go and turn himself in. The Trial of Two Centuries, they were already calling it, and Murdock hadn't even submitted his Proposed Jury Instructions yet.

Trials _had_ been entertainment in the 20s.

"...and Lombardi's Pizza in Little Italy," Tony finished, although he didn't seem too upset about that one. Tony insisted that pizza from New York City was the best in the world because of the mineral content in their tap water. Apparently, four restaurants in California had it shipped from the East Coast just to make pizza, and Tony only owned _one_ of them.

Steve insisted that New York City pizza just tasted better because it was a break from the air. After all, New York City hotdogs tasted like crap even though water was pretty central to their preparation.

(His heightened sense of smell could be a burden sometimes.)

Steve crossed his arms over his chest, which was so big they barely fit. "Lots of New York hasn't been destroyed during our battles. That's the point of the battles."

"Buildings that _have_ been destroyed during battles: The Olive Garden in Times Square, Times Square, the Cronut Bakery, Trump Tower," (although _no one_ seemed too upset about that one) "The Museum of Sex, that bar in Red Hook where they serve drinks in sippy cups."

"That bar wasn't as bad as the one in BedStuy where they serve drinks in test tubes," Steve muttered. "Three-fifths of our party were actual science experiments. Have a little tact, people."

"Yeah, that place got destroyed too."

"Well, they had it com-"

Oh.

 _Oh._

"He didn't know," said Nat.

"Told you," said Bucky.

"Now I don't feel so bad for not figuring it out until the Battle of Dumbo," said Clint. "Which sounds so much cooler than it is. Hey, we should bring back war elephants."

"We have the Hulk," Tony pointed out.

"I- I didn't mean-" Steve stuttered.

"We get it big guy." Tony slapped Steve on the back, and it only hurt a little. "You're a supersoldier, but you're also a grumpy old man. It's a bad combination. Most grumpy old men are too old to do anything about being grumpy. So we've decided to take you on a tour of New York."

"I grew up here?" Steve didn't mean to make it a question, but Tony had that effect on people.

"No, you didn't," he said. "You grew up in Old York City."

"That's not-"

"We want to show you the new things that are actually not awful. You don't get a choice in this. That's how interventions work."

"Well, you would know," said Bucky, and Tony actually looked proud, which disturbed Steve in a whole new way.

So the Avengers took Steve on a tour of the city he'd lived in before any of them were born. (They also took Bucky, because Bucky and Steve tended to have panic attacks when they were out of each other's sight for more than a few minutes. No one was brave enough to ask about the shower arrangements. Not even Nat. Steve may have been trying to figure out a way to get himself sent to prison that didn't actually require breaking any laws.)

They went to the Rocky Horror Picture Show in Chelsea, late-night karaoke in K-Town, and dumpling hopping in Flushing. They went shopping for a different kind of costume at the Halloween Adventure Shop, a two-story Halloween store open year round, because: New York. Clint introduced them to the best pizza in New York City (even better than Lombardi's) which actually came from the Dancing Crane Café at the Bronx Zoo.

Before Steve knew it, a month had passed, and Murdock had filed his Proposed Jury Instructions. The trial seemed to be coming at them like a speeding train, an analogy that Steve couldn't get out of his mind, and not just because they'd been taking the subway a lot (Bruce and Bucky shared a cab, but Steve couldn't risk anyone finding out that Captain America had _feelings_.)

The night before the trial, they went to Serendipity III for Golden Opulence Sundae. Even if Serendipity III hadn't been founded in 1954, Steve would have never ordered a Golden Opulence Sundae, based on the name alone. It came with edible gold flakes, gold covered almonds, truffles (both kinds), and a crystal goblet that you got to keep. It cost a thousand dollars and had to be ordered at least a month in advance.

"If I get the death penalty, I'm ordering this for my last meal," said Bucky.

Murdock had to spend two hours assuring Steve that New York no longer had a death penalty, before he had agreed to let Bucky turn himself in. Bucky deserved to make his own choices, but not if they were _fucking stupid_.

"Don't listen to the tabloids, Buck. Once the trial starts, everyone will see you for who you really are."

Bucky stirred his sundae with a solid gold spoon until it was very expensive chocolate milk before saying so quietly no one without supersoldier hearing could hear him, "I don't know who I really am."

"Well, I'll introduce you sometime." Steve tried to smile, but his Disappointed Captain America™ face felt as frozen as his sundae. He couldn't tell Bucky what to expect from the trial, because he didn't know what to expect from people anymore. They kept allowing things like Olive Garden, and the Trump Tower, and _Trump_.

They kept disappointing him.

Bucky did smile. "Don't worry so much, Stevie. It won't be the first time I've been to prison."

"Say more things now," said Clint.

"Stevie got us arrested in… '32? '33?"

"How?"

"Kissed me to make a point."

"Is that so _Stevie_?" asked Tony. "What was the point?"

"That he's an idiot," said Bucky.

Steve blushed. Perfect. Now he looked like Disappointed Red Skull™. He had to get his face under control or he would never beat Tony out for _People's_ Sexiest Man Alive. Pepper tried to assure him that no one wanted to offend his old-fashioned sensibilities, but that was stupid. They had sex in the 20s. (Well, _Steve_ didn't, but...)

Maybe he shouldn't have knocked down the Museum of Sex after all.

"That was not the point," he said firmly. "There was this cop harassing some queer kids, and I wasn't going to let him get away with it."

"Yes," said Bucky. "You sure showed him."

Steve blushed again, and Bucky smiled again, and Steve didn't know how Bucky could still _do that_. Sometimes Bucky's strength surprised even him. He couldn't imagine living in captivity for seventy years, and only to offer up his freedom as soon as he got it back just because it was the right thing to do.

People thought Captain America had high standards because he was some sort of paragon of virtue. They got it all wrong. Steve Rogers had high standards because he was friends with Bucky Barnes.

"Too bad it ain't illegal anymore," said Bucky, and Steve was about to finally turn his Disappointed Captain America™ face on him, when he added, "Since I know you've been looking for a way to get yourself arrested."


End file.
